And the gods saw fit to bring me, whole, strong and ready to do their will, to another day! A messenger had visited as I slept - what joy for that letter to be the thing my eyes first fell upon - aside the stunning sight of Sunrifter rising and crashing onto the waterfall in an almost frightening blaze of glorious light! Praise to Cory! It was as though the stars themselves were crowding within the water! I take it as a sign…. A most excellent sign.

Then I saw Knight Azure who I did not realise has been seeking me out to bestow a most generous gift from Urkki - it seems he liked my entry for his competition. It was so good to see her! She was, as ever, running at top speeds - my heart was in my mouth but she skidded to an expert halt at the edge of the cliff. For all her diminutive stature she has a great physical strength - she has been labouring under a heavy burden I think as she acts as Urkki’s messenger, but judging by her smiles and grins it is bringing her great joy. She spends so much of her time doing things for others and in caring and worrying for them. She always seems so cheerful. I hope she remembers to look after herself…. I pray she, of all people, may know peace. She will never know how grateful I am to her or how much she has done for me. It would embarrass her to hear it I know. The rest of the Knights are so lucky to have her. I am sure they know it.

I think I will finally journey back to the guild hall today. Then I will know my travels have truly finished; even though I will be abroad in the land again. I cannot wait to see them all - my dear, dear family… I hope they are all well. The message I received this morning said that though I was missed, their brothers and sisters kept their spirits up. How blessed we are, all of us, to have each other.

They said they looked forward to seeing me. I cannot wait to be seen!

Travelling is a good thing once in a while - for one of the greatest pleasures is the excitement in coming home!

I have seen a new land. A whole, new, beautiful, wonderful land. It is full of beauty, full of hopes and dreams, love, wonderment in nature. I have grown strong and lean in these long weeks of walking. My face has the kiss of Sunrifter and the wind. My mouth is alive from tasting foods I had long forgotten and drinking water from streams and lakes and even the snows (where it looked clean enough). And where is this wonderland? This marvellous, almost magical place? I could not think of a good way to put it - but received a message from Jessa while I was far out at the Waterfall in Caernivale and answered her thus when she asked where I had been: It is all around us. It is everywhere we look and beneath our every step.

I have different eyes now....as if scales have fallen from them. Probably mostly to do with communing with my gods and quiet contemplation - you would be amazed at what things can be worked through in quiet solace without fuss, or anguished cries to others. But is was more than that. I came to see that nowhere is the same place twice - for we have moved through and breathed air that will not be there again. Even if we tread the same ground twice, the wind and the feet of others will have shifted the particles slightly. We will be older - maybe only seconds - but therefore not the same person. It does not do to dwell on what has passed, on what has been said. Consider them of course - use them, understand them, but do not ever be drowned by them. And the same of people - they are never the same from one day to the next for they have experienced life, seen things, heard things, slept....... we must never, ever take people, places, this beautiful land, our gods, our love for granted. It is before us only because the gods allow it to be so and only for what we have laid down before us for the now to rest safe upon.

Well I shall live for now. Today. Even this very marc. Because what I do as I seize this very moment with both hands, clutch at it and cherish it, is lay the future.

I have written a long letter to the brightest thing in my life - to that dearest one I have missed so very, very much. They were with me every single step I took in my mind and heart. Gave me courage and hope - I could almost hear them speak to me as I looked at things - I could imagine what they might say. I cannot wait to see them - but I can wait with a smile and a prayer.

I will close my eyes soon and I cannot wait to do so. Not because of physical tiredness (though I am weary to be sure), but because I will sleep and dream, and then wake to another amazing gods-give day if they are willing.

And what more could we possibly ask but another day to do their work?

You know those gods given days when things actually feel at peace? I am not sure thinking about it whether I really mean peace. Perhaps I mean more the lack of turmoil. Whether one feels at peace or not in oneself having nothing ELSE to contend with makes it a lot more like peace than anything I have known recently.

I had been thinking hard as to what was best to do and decided I would become someone else. It worked in the inn after all. So with armour and trappings left behind in safe storage, I clad myself in simple clothes, a good sturdy pair of rugged boots and a beach viper hat and looked at myself suspiciously. I think she looks quite well this simple traveller. She is smiling - sort of - she looks well fed and healthy enough. I could not decide what was missing though. That led me to thinking of others I have seen walking the lands…. A staff: Not like the enchanters’ staffs of course, but a walking staff for difficult stony ground. And my path on many levels is not flat and smooth and is cursed with things enough to stumble on at present so who is to say what might come still? I went into the Dundee forest and found a suitable branch and idly whittled away with a dagger I have kept for some reason all these long years. I was quite pleased in the end. It looks quite good. The part that fits into my hand is smooth and comfortable. Really, if I were someone like Richard, I am sure I should probably find some clever means to fix some metal to the bottom where it will strike the ground. But I am but a simple traveller so will make another I suppose if this one lets me down. I stowed some food into my pack and then Vardian the explorer was born. Not Vardian the desperately curious and impatient, but Vardian who wishes to see the beauty in things and will be a humble passer by. This will include places I know well and have been to many times, and places I have not seen in many long years. Perhaps thinking on what I have conquered in the past will ease my fear of the present.

I started off much slower than usual just moving through Milltown and into the desert. I wished to look at the Oasis once more and it seems the gods have shown me my path well for there they were - that Dearest One…looking…. Deep in thought. Serene almost if it were not for the grave face. But it was not grave for worry, but because they were doing that most marvellous and special of things - leading someone to the temple. It is something they rarely do and those lucky enough to be in their charge are blessed indeed. Their two pupils have been so patient. It seemed though that it was not to be - the appointed time came and went. So I offered refreshment and to read. It seems so very, very long since we last did so. It is years in fact when I look back through my journal. And so it came to Annia’s travels through Verthedge. The text got us to thinking on many things and we both enjoyed the words. I confess I looked up occasionally losing my place just to watch them. Hey had so much on their mind I am not sure they noticed, but it was a distraction. Then eventually, he came. Amalric the initiate to become Amalric the warrior. They left and I remained where I was. I sat in the sand gazing at the pool and suddenly got a deeply spiritual communion with my gods that I have not felt in many months. I prayed many hopes for them both. And when Amalric’s face was written in the sky, tears of joy fell from my eyes. I wish I could have been there - but they did not ask and I would not dare to interrupt such a sacred day for either of them. To see the Dearest of One’s bestow such a thing would be a piece of them I have never been able to know. Maybe that’s a good thing.

I slept there, safe in Cohr’s presence. And when I awoke, it seemed the gods were teasing me for I saw Jay’s face in the sky…. But no. Both these fine and patient young men are now on their path - I wish them great joy and peace, light and warmth. And that they always remember their glorious day and the one who took them.

I will away soon on my journey. When I return I hope I will see the Vardian I remember before recent troubles. I hope for the guild’s sake above my own for they must be heartily sick of me. And I hope for the Dearest love I hold as my own more than any other - I will come home to them whole.

Everyone has such excellent advice. All of it is wise and carefully thought out. I dare say all of it is true.

Each has his own path and no-one can walk it for them. Why I even give it out to myself.

I think it must be the culmination of many things that has made me…..well lose my mind these last few days in truth. I had thought I was forgetting the dreams and the caves. I had slept at least a couple of nights relatively undisturbed. The wave of attacks shook me - it is long since I have seen so many - and culminating in that attack on the castle - such ferocity and wicked wanton evil. I confess I was scared again - I have thought about it since. I was able to over-ride it and go there because I was not the one facing the creatures. I knew I was going to heal - and heal I surely did. But my mind still has doubts - if it had happened that I was the only one there (unlikely but possible) or worse, the only one left. Would I have been able to stand my ground? I rather suspect there would have been no time to think about it. Then once in the Throne Room and finding it over, it was the sense of relief that washed over me and brought me to the floor I think. The terror in that room was so great - I have not been able to articulate it to anyone. It was a combination of terror of the past - that dreadful day the King was taken - the times they attacked - the castle falling…. And of the present for I swear I saw the demon creatures of the dark caves swarming up through the Throne as though they sought me alone: And I was still so tired and unsure of myself in any case…. And then guilt at myself. Guilt for feeling abandoned when I am anything but. Grave news of grave events needs expedient delivery by one of great strength and loyalty and bravery. Luckily for all, just such a one was at hand. And after he left there was a fleeting moment I am thoroughly ashamed of where I wanted them, I needed them, and saw that as more important. How unfair. They knew I was safe and would be cared for. I can never be more important than their duty and their other commitments.

In the event I was taken like a child from that place by another brother. What a strange, strange evening that was. I only remember hazy parts. At least I can be sure now having spoken to him that all is well with us - that I did not behave in a manner…well no matter. He was kind and gentle as ever with me. All is well. I have no need of worries there.

In fact I channelled some of my feelings to him. I knew he was at the Swashbuckler - I think he had been there much of the day with empty mugs spinning about him. I had been sitting on the stairs in the Guildhall for marcs and marcs. I suddenly looked up at the ribbons fluttering there. Remembrance and also faith and hope - that is what this place was for. And so I quietly placed up a bunch of green and gold ribbons, they remembered more than just The Rogue, and also two red ribbons - one of which I kissed before I placed it. I thought a while on the garden I had been taken to with Korba. I went and dressed myself like the Valornian I consider myself to be in the things I need to wear to go into battle.

I went to Dundee. I confess I stood outside the inn a while not quite able to go in. When I did the crowd was small and I slipped into a chair and nursed my pirate ale. I am not a great drinker - but it did seem to be helping numb the edges of it all. Jessa was there hard at intricate work weaving some sort of hair decoration. Scally was there…. Others I cannot remember. Then in he came, ducking to get through the door as always, straight to my side with a grin that would not have been out of place on The Rogue himself. I have no idea what nonsense we threw about - but we both gave a performance that would have done us proud as auditions for any of the dear guild’s plays. We laughed, lay back in our chairs with our feet up, teased, flattered - why Jake even threw himself into a whole pirate routine atop a chair. We suspended ourselves and our feelings and played to the crowd and each other.

And it seemed to work. I was called to Milltown where blessings were asked for. Though the power that flowed from me felt almost alien the adventurers went away on their business better equipped than they were.

I was not long returned when demons invaded Carnivale. The Crier’s distress was evident and it was not long before I found myself running full pelt through the mountains. When I passed Jensen’s hut I paused. I wanted to go in but stopped myself. All trouble was passed by the time I arrived, but healing was needed. Once I was satisfied all were well I had a quiet moment in the noise and haste and turned away to wander quietly back to Dundee. Jake returned too and more ale was drunk. When we parted eventually we exchanged a look that was full of sympathy and understanding and comfort. And it was with a smile.

I rested here in the Dundee theatre. I did not want to go back to the guildhall for fear I would not leave again.

I pondered much before sleep took me - fears and dreads, cowardice, those departed, guilt, love, friends, pain - that which I have caused others…

If I must pretend to be someone else a while to get through things, then I shall. I closed my eyes thinking of that Dearest One away in the fortress and of the grave things that must be discussed there. I miss him, I need him, I want him - but I would not want him to make himself an unwilling caged animal. Love is all - and yet not enough for one such as him. Well I do not care - for he is all to me whether it is or not. I will be his support and shoulder if he ever needs it. I will be his comfort if he allows me. Sleep took me gradually and my dreams were full of a bright blue light with the ghosts of dark eyes visible through it.

I have woken with prayers for them on my lips. That is surely a good sign…

Show me the good. I want to see it.

It started well enough.... a day spent in quiet contemplation of a sponsee gone. I met with Az - we went to the Swashbuckler. We talked and made many open ends hanging complete and both smiled with each other. She spoke of a party..... it would not be my decision. She could not quite see that but it does not change the fact.

We were interrupted - some trouble in Branishor. It did not seem serious. She came back and then it happened. Dark Portals at the Castle - so close - I ran still struggling to put on my gear. Chaos was all around - wounded, yet brave adventurers struggling through hoards of them.... I tried to close my eyes to everything except their pain. I healed them where they were still enough to allow it and then fought my way through the crowds. They had been there - in the throne room..... and the air tasted of evil. It stang in my nose like a poison. Purazon was hurt - I do not even know if he realised he was, or that he was healed. And I could stand no more. That place.....those memories.... I saw all manner of things rising out of the throne - His throne...no Her throne... creatures.....ghosts....venom and poison.... many legs....pain...... darkness.... I sank to the ground and became aware of voices calling me... I could not see their faces, but I knew they were there. All I could see was him and I fell to his arms - yet there was a flash of light... an impression of loss... and then of a warrior - he took me away from there. We came to be at the halls. Did I walk? Was I carried? No.... I remember my legs and feet aching...hurting....

We came under the gate - "No Evil Shall Enter"....how do we know that? Is it a wish? A fact? A command?

We came to the guest quarters. I ran to shut out the outside world. I sank against the wall and almost heard it speak. I stood before them arms raised and let them gently undo the straps of my armour and remove it. My gauntlets, my helm...... I sank onto a cot with them close. The Crier called again with panic to Dundee..... Zombies crept from their lair... I stood and felt the whole room spiralling outside of my control into a vortex about me... They held me back - did we struggle? I remember words. I sat again....lay down.... they knelt and I felt their hands on my skin as they removed my boots... it burned and was ice at once. My cloak tight about me..... a blanket...not mine... There was a gentle voice - words whispered....... I slept.... I must have for I awoke. And I remember calling out to my Dearest One, but he was not there - with all that had happened how could he be? Did his intelligence help those in Strifegorge?

My brother has..... If I can face him I will have much to say. He will not judge - he never judges. A warrior bear in kitten fluff.... so many long years has he quietly been there. The gods be thanked for him...

And then as I woke - I heard a bell toll. So it seemed. Dull and lifeless. Calling for the dead, calling for the missing, calling for Kimald, calling for the land.

The Rogue is gone. No word or message. No speech nor explanation.

Oh dear brother, old friend........ Shade and Sweetwater.

How my chest aches.

And so then it will not be. Another clear section of the path is suddenly in shadow. The gods ways are their own and their own alone. I will not question it. I will not lament. I will.... just accept...

There will be another cleric one day - but not this day.

I feel full. Full of blessings and of life. I am loved, I will soon sponsor a girl I believe will be truly great one day and make a fine cleric indeed - I shall learn much from her - and I have received a blessing of Shade and Sweet Water from one I missed for many long years. May they see the light in their blade is but a reflection of that shining within them....

It is always good to show someone your home. It makes you look harder at it and see things you never notice usually. Like the beautiful luscious fruit trees and the fountain; like the statues at the doors; like the echo in the auditorium. And it is funny - when it comes to trying to describe something to someone who has never laid eyes on it - all the tiny delicious details you forget - all the beauty that is around you. Interesting to the things that they see you do not!

The docks - a place of quiet contemplation and often a sighing sadness remembering those gone and looking for Eldrin - ‘if you do not mind the smell of fish’ she said! It made me smart for s second and then chuckle. I had never thought of it like that! She has the measure of Arnlaug too - if she can glide through the glowering faces of the pirates, and have them wave and welcome her, she will be fine finding her way in the lands! She should have more confidence in herself and what others have come to think of her though - now that her path is set it seems she does not have a sponsor….seems afraid to ask the one she has in mind. I cannot imagine anyone not wishing to take her to the temple.

The memorial garden seemed to trouble her. When I pressed her on it she said it brought to mind something that Ixon had said. After I fled Dundee it seems he spoke. He told of a dream. Few words, yet great understated passion I imagine - though the words would have cut through him like the sharpest blade. Dreams - how powerful they are - especially if founded in memory. She took those words and suddenly saw all the emotion in the statue… better than I, I suppose. Again - through the eyes of someone who has never seen something that we walk past each day - we are shown what was always there but sharper and ….well more colourful somehow. And it is good to retrace steps and remember once in a while.

It is not good to dwell on things past and be pulled down by them. Now I can do the first, and am saved from the second.

I pray for this girl who would be cleric. That she may have a blessed life as I know I now do; that her path will always be clear; that her courage will never fail; that she finds a worthy sponsor - for they too need to prove their worth and be up to the task; that she may know a family such as mine; that she may be loved.

I have slept - properly slept - two nights in a row. I have passed messages with some I hold dear as friends and realised just what I could have lost and just how lucky I am. I have prayed to my gods once more and my soul feels cleansed. And my prayers are those of penitence and reaffirmation of faith and for those who have many things weighing upon their minds. Most of all, they are for thankfulness. I cannot say my heart feels light exactly, but it feels loved - and loving. I am still here - I have my wonderful family about me - I have the gods to guide me and a clear path to travel on. I have friends old and new. What I do not have is the right to be so very…pitiful. It will not happen again. I have re-read their letter to me many times while they have been at rest. Its words are engraved upon my soul. Courage - not something so easy to explain. Cowardice - not so easy to take upon oneself and scourge oneself with. But most of all - always. That is when they will be there with me - when I need them, and for mutual comfort. And written twice - ….always. ALWAYS. To emphasise the finality of it. When I was a child how I hated final. Final was a word associated with limitations. This is the best finality I can imagine. Something that will be always. Forever. Final. Eternal.

That’s a pretty good thought for this cleric. Suddenly the future feels full of possibilities - and they all come from ‘always’.

I wish I could have found the courage to stay last night but as soon as I got to Dundee I realised it was too much, too soon. And the thought of what might be told in the stories…..I left as soon as I arrived really…. But there was Ixon, with that roguish look on his face, looking at me as I always remember he used to. A knowing smirk - but friendly meant. It stopped me completely in my tracks to see him. So….almost shocking after all this time. He has changed to be sure, but Ixon he remains. I am glad we exchanged messages - I hope he can see that there are those who….well. I thank the gods he was kept safe in his travels, and pray he may think it worth while to stay a while longer than he thinks he will…

Nothing has changed here. The place is as well cared for as ever it was: No dust, no volumes left lying, and their favourite desk still in a state of constant readiness. And now, things are as they should be, for that dear head is bent over a book, their quiet presence soothing and protecting. I can scarce believe it.

The journey from Fartown seemed longer than I recall. The few marcs before we left seemed longer still. So there we sat in that place we sat so long ago, or so it seems now, when I told them of how I came to leave my home and how I came to this place I call true home. That day they held me quietly and softly stroked my hair as they coaxed each word out of me. This day they had obviously been sat waiting for me to wake. They were writing something - I did not want to disturb them. I was unsure as to whether my letter would have reached them - I could not gauge it from their face. I had my answer. A serious, almost stern, face bid me take my answer and their arm thrust out towards me holding my fate in its hand. How my hand shook as I took it. I was to read it now - they nodded when I asked. As I read I thought I might break - the words were so….. full of meaning. It was not a breaking of sorrow I felt - it was an incomprehension for what they give to me - forgiveness (not that any blame was mentioned) - encouragement - love. I felt the whole of what they are to me breaking like waters against the shoreline. Words may perhaps make amend they wrote. Courage was written of. I had to pause for my eyes were full of tears and I could not see through them to continue. “Those that show no fear are foolish not heroes”. I just looked at that dear face - I am sure I said something though there was nothing sensible in it I am sure. They fixed me with a look and said in an almost commanding voice I have not heard before that they would rather this did not happen again. I felt as though life flowed out of them into me as they took my hands and pulled me up.

And now we are home. I have hurt them to be sure - but it is forgotten. Well - forgiven. And the word from their note that hangs over me like a shield - and yes, a word can perhaps makes amends or at least give me comfort….

Always.

Oh gods...and now it is sent, I cannot get it back. I half wish I had not written it.....and yet I need to write it. So they will receive a letter as a first opening to explanation - what a coward I truly am....

And still, despite everything I have done to them, they are close by; caring for me; watching over me. I found a note in my pack as I awoke - I have trained myself to look there first so that I do not feel a needless fear. They have not let me down. They have left tender words for me to read. This note gave me great joy and great anxiety. They have been training in dark places indeed - places of great danger and my heart pounds to think of them in such danger. Yet, I suppose, it should not. Their courage is so great and their faith so strong: Their dedication and loyalty second to none in the land. I feel as though I could die of pride and shame. Pride in them - for they are such an inspiration - and shame in myself: For I cannot do that which they do. I pray fervently for them night and day but not for myself. I do not wish the gods to look down on me and see my shame. The gods will look down upon them and surely smile - for they are everything an adventurer should be: Brave, strong, true of heart, strong in spirit, generous in life, gentle in love. And the gods have bought them back safely from those places and to the trainer. They grow so much in experience. I have thought long And hard as to what to say to them - for talk we must - and I still have no idea…. Perhaps the right words will just come to my lips… I can only hope so.

So the Crier called out in alarm and we left the Western mountain and Jensen, together, and made the journey towards Fartown. Every step I took seemed to require some supreme effort to make it. One foot was pushed in front of the other. But they were by my side. As slow or as fast as I could make a step, their steps matched mine. I do not know whether I stepped in their steps, they trod in mine, or whether we moved in perfect harmony together. All I know is that the distance was gradually covered. Every step made me feel sick to my stomach for I could feel my fear rising. Not just for where we were going and what we might face; their words rang in my ears: The hurt in their voice and eyes, though they struggled hard to hide it. “But what could have happened to make you turn from the path”. I still have not answered them. The Crier’s call snatched the moment from them and took away the space to answer. But answer them I must. I looked upon that face - stolen glimpses they were - and felt such a tearing within me. All that faith in me and love for me - and yet I could do such a thing. Did such a thing. What can I ever tell them to mend it….. If I could put it into words they would be such words - they would be words that generations could cling to as the epitome of love, of faith, of saying sorry. But I cannot. Can a touch of a hand and looking into another’s eyes say it? Perhaps. At least those thoughts took my mind away from other fears as we travelled. I knew the battle would be long over and so did they - yet they stayed by my side and we both kept up the pretence that we were answering the call.

Then the grasslands - just one step taken away from the path and I was undone. The creatures were there - Richard’s old adversaries - and I had forgotten about them. Cousins to the darker creatures and it seemed to me that all their malice and venom leapt at me in the light and air. Panic blinded me - my eyes screwed shut - I cried out I think - though I do not know what it was I said. I had to run - run away…. But I told them where I was going. I awoke and found them at my side. I have dozed fitfully and whenever I open my eyes - there I find them still. I have sat and re-read my words. Just one step from the path was my undoing. True for more than just journeying through the grasslands.

I gaze up now at the sight of a place I love. I glance now at the face of the one I love. I just wish I could read that face and know just how deeply I have hurt them.

I did not know what to say; did not know what to do… I just pressed a hand to my mouth and looked with wide eyes at the visitor to the hut trying to blink away the tears that started to fall. They just stood there, arms full of wood, for a long moment and then placed the wood neatly in a pile just the right distance away from the fire so it would dry out and be easily accessible. I watched them as though I were in a dream. Jensen turned away and busied himself. Still they did not speak. They looked so….hurt. Then the enormity of being parted from them; they that would have been the rock I could have clung to as the wave of panic tried to wash me away; they that would have held me tight as I shook in fear until that fear subsided - it hit me like a plain troll’s hammer squarely in the face. I collapsed to the floor and buried my head ashamed in my lap and wept keen, bitter tears I have not wept. I tried to speak but could not make sense. They bid me peace and placed a finger to my lips. I hung on to that dear hand as though it were all that kept me anchored to myself. I am sorry. What inadequate words: How pathetically, hugely inadequate. Yet over and again I said them through my sobs and buried my head against their shoulder, clinging to their neck as though they swam to save me from stormy waters. It may have been a shameful, pathetic display of emotion but I did not care. They spoke softly, calmly, told me quiet and rest. Eventually I did, but could not let them go. I sank down and rested my head in their lap and secured my arms about their waist. I did what I had promised I never would - perhaps the worst thing of all - I begged them not to return to their fortress, but to stay. Of course they did, but I promised myself, I promised them I never would resent their duties. I do not resent them. But last night, I could not be parted from them. They will have many things to say to me. I have hurt them - I know it. And now I have planted a seed in them that I cannot bear up to what they are. But by the gods I can. The cleric was a woman for a time with a woman’s weaknesses. Will they be able to pardon them?

Knight Azure has been …..most determined. She disapproves strongly I think of where I have chosen to rest and try and wrestle with my fears. She spoke of places she does not like to go. The difference is though that she does. I had ventured from my resting place on a mission to fetch wood for my host. A fire is so important here and I know I have not done enough to contribute. The pickings were scarce though - but Knight Azure had come to find me and almost seemed to have known I would be in need for she had supplies enough for two. In the end it is just as well she found me for I lost my way. Soon enough we were cosy in the warm though. She said she found it cold, despite the fire, and lonely. But I am not cold here and I like it. She counselled against solitude and - how did she put it - backing into a corner I could not come out of. We talked a little of others…. One other in particular. She carries two small packets to give to them - they will know, I think, that they are to be a sign for them - in an unguarded moment I even told Knight Azure what they signified to me - their beautiful hidden depths and their vivid colour…. Like the soul and eyes I know so well. I confess that is my one true misery - as opposed to shame - I miss them. I miss them so much I feel my heart will gently drain away to nothing and leave me cold. I miss their dear face and smile. I miss their soft voice and breath against my ear when speaking some soft comfort. I miss their good counsel and advice. I thought I already knew how much I needed them. Whenever I do the gods seem to see fit to show me something more. It is true, perhaps that I want them more than need them in my selfish self - yet I need them for all time and forever. I fell asleep having answered a message from a young one needing blessings. I felt panicky as I left my temporary home. It was all I could do to make the perfectly safe journey to Milltown and back again. But I did… perhaps that is a good sign. Knight Azure still waited there and watched over me as I slipped into sleep. Three as good as two in a place she said. I know she is determined to talk me down as it were. I went to sleep with a strange ache inside of me - like when hunger takes you over and you feel sick with it. But on waking I find myself a little better. I dreamed of blue pools that I could see myself clearly reflected in. I threw off my clothes and dived into them and swam until I was cleansed….When I climbed out I still had to gaze intot he waters and felt they gazed back and knew me completely. My host has said some strange things to me this day - almost as if they wish me to leave - I hope I have not offended them: But with the next they shared some food and some tea with me and we talked some more. We talked of friendship and of companionship. We stopped short of speaking of love. My host looked at me and just smiled. It was a very knowing smile as though they could read me as a book. But then they see so many, perhaps they can.

There are many ways to view life and how it should be lived. I have talked long with my host into the night. They never show signs of fatigue or of irritation or wishing to rest. All the while I have something to say, or a need to speak, they generously listen. I see, perhaps, what I long to be as a cleric. Such patience and welcoming they show. None have come while I have not been feigning sleep, but I read the signs of folk passing through. And I know each has been met with the same open arms, the same kindness. The difference is they have the courage to then go on and I cannot leave. I have told no-one where I am. I feel I have let them down so badly. All of them! My dear brothers and sisters, Knight Sreip, Dayspring…. I am not there for any who need me. I can answer no call. Now that I have come to rest here in safety I cannot leave again. I am too frightened to. I confess that under my hosts gentle hands the sickness is passing. I would not say I feel well, but I am certainly not incapacitated by anything more than my failed courage. That cannot be an excuse for such cowardice. And what of my Dearest friend. What would they think of me? I cannot bear to even think of it. Never have they shown anything but a pure heart and strong courage and body. Once they were badly injured, though they do not know I know it. And what did they do? Stood up to the healer, gathered all their strength and went straight back to continue their fight. They did not go heart quailing to shut themselves in the guild hall. They did not go and find a lonely place to wallow in their misery. Yet even knowing this I cannot leave. This is no way to view life or a way to live it. That is the hardest thing of all. I will venture through the door at least today to gather wood. I am acutely aware I will soon become a burden to my host if I do not do more than sweep and cook. Please, dear gods, keep everyone safe.